guilted into staying
i almost didn’t make it today with this post. (my goal of writing 30 in 30 days and seeing what kind of human i am after finally completing something that i said i was going to).
but guess what? just when i’m thinking i’m not nearly high enough (last night’s post was a doozy that i have ZERO recollection of), i’m caught in this nasty “please let me cancel my subscription to WHATEVER i’m obligated to without too much fuss or explanation.”
i hate this part.
first, the name they always give me is bullshit. i know your name ain’t brad, friend. don’t ask me how, i just do. and, brad, i can hear the defeat in your voice the second the word “cancel” comes out of my mouth.
you hate what happens next. i hate what happens next. one of us is going to be utterly defeated when this call ends and my wallet says it ain’t gonna be me this time.
“can you please explain why you are wanting to cancel this service.”
no. not remotely. but i was raised to be polite and accommodating, so fuckin’ here we go.
“we’re trying to save money. things are tight around here.”
see what i did? i tried to go low right from the jump. how can you argue with a customer who’s broke?
“well, missus applegate, would you stay if we cut your monthly bill by 75.9 percent? would that entice you to stay?”
hmmm. well, the -$0.32 in the ol’ account says no, but while we are on the subject…if that’s even an option for you, why couldn’t i have that price in the beginning? why do we have to play these soul-crushing reverse bargaining roulette rounds when you could have just offered me that price in the beginning.
i’d be a lot richer and you’d get to go back to playing candy crush on your iphone while you floor manager isn’t looking.
win-win, brad.
thirty minutes later, i’m still no closer to canceling my subscription, but i now know brad’s got a wife and six kids and three of them are going to need organ transplants and now that brad’s wife is out of work after a freak accident involving dental floss and a trombone, he really needs his numbers to stay high so he’ll get that bonus.
being the steadfast rock and pillar that i am, brad’s family plight can’t even sway me. no, my undoing comes at the hands of the hail-mary launch of free upgrades and the price downgrade.
well played, brad. well played.