things currently falling apart in my house: a list

my fridge: it’s already dead but the freezer is still alive and (kinda) kicking, so we’re stuck in this awkward dance of “are you dead yet? no? will you please let me know when you’re considering it because i totally don’t want to lose all the frozen bacon i saved in there, but i can’t cook it all yet…so, you know….” (gestures vaguely with hands to NOT die until there’s a spare $600 lying around)

the furnace: thing shakes each time it’s firing up and it’s like my house is suddenly a nasa launch pad and we’re all strapped in our beds waiting for takeoff on some mission to mars. irritating. mildly terrifying, too…

nearly all of the junk drawers: three out of four are already dead and fallen apart. the lone holdout is (barely) alive and (hardly) kicking and did i lighten it’s load and take some useless shit out of there to prolong it’s lifespan? no. no, i did not. i have no idea where i’d put three busted potato mashers, anyway…

three out of four doorknobs upstairs: my room and my son’s room now require a big ass screwdriver and an engineering degree to open and the bathroom doorknob exists in the biblical sense only, but it just doesn’t do it’s job very well,—much to the abject terror of the occupants who aren’t hoping to flash the entire house each time they use the toilet or commute from bathmat to shower and back again.

the husband’s hip: listen, a lifetime of kicking ass and taking names has left the man occasionally walking like an extra on the set of “the walking dead.” he could still hammertime us all into dust, though, so mad respect to him…and RIP to any and all ball joint cartilage.

my shoulders: no rhyme or reason. i could sneeze too hard and be left unable to lift my arm past my belly button for 72 hours. that’s what a lifetime of swimming and boxing get ya. that, and an upper body so out of proportion from the rest of you that anytime you attempt to put a dress on, you look like' patrick starfish’s sister — which is basically just patrick starfish in drag.

i love it here. i hate it here.